A couple martinis into the night, Veronica* says, “Well, girls, I did it!”  (Oh, God… this could be anything.  *Braces herself.*)  “I told Harry* that if he wanted to do the thing he likes me to do, then he was going to have to shave!  I told him I was tired of getting poked in the eye!”  *Drinks spray in the air as we all choke on that last sip.*  Poked in the eye?  ROFL

Of course Harry couldn’t possibly imagine how he could do this himself, so she agreed to help.  Now you’re thinking, as I did, ok that’s kind of hot.  A little mutual shaving… bring it on.  Oh no, we assumed wrong… this was about as hot as surgery prep.  How can that be?  Well, I present you with Veronica & Harry’s Manscaping 101:

Step 1:  Have your man sit buck naked on your beige couch.  Forget about the skid marks you’ll live with for the rest of your life.
Step 2:  Turn on the Cubs game.  Yes, baseball.
Step 3:  Begin furiously trimming with a shaver and scissors.  Picture Edward Scissorhands trimming a bush into a deer shape.
Step 4:  Don’t want pubic hair all over your couch and carpet?  Hold a dish towel under the area as you work.
Step 5:  Sit back and envy your work.
Step 6:  Have your man get dressed and go to dinner at Chipotle.

I can’t get the scene out of my head… it keeps me up at night in terror.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit on her couch again… or really touch anything in her apartment… knowing what went down.   *Shudders*

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the oddballs.

MILLER HAS STOPPED PRODUCING ZIMA!   *Collapses*

OK… I know you’re thinking, “Wait… they were still making it?” And yes they were.  I haven’t had it in years, but it was always there on the beer shelf like an old favorite blanket.  It was comforting to know that my all time favorite beverage would always be there for me (even though it hasn’t been socially acceptable in a long time).  Sometimes I would stare at it longingly as I passed by… too embarrassed to buy it.  I was waiting for its comeback.

I have so many fond memories of Zima.  Road trips, nights out, nights in, smuggling 40 oz. Zima’s into the movies.  (ROFL… yes, they made 40’s.)  When it was new, everybody drank it… even boys!  It really was a great drink.., not as bitter and filling as beer… not as sweet and thick as other girly drinks.  “Zomething Different” the ads would affirm.  *Sigh*

This morning, an email was instantly circulated among my closest friends with the subject “OMG BAD NEWS”.  We will be buying every 6- pack of Zima we can get our hands on so that we can have a bon voyage party for Zima… to lay our dear friend to rest.  *Hears Taps playing in the background*

Holy patch, Batman!  We got a new update for Warcraft last night to prepare for the expansion coming out next month.  I won’t bore you with all the nerdy details… but OH-EM-GEE, I love love LOVE the new talents.  I’m an absolute monster now!  The only problem is… so is everyone else (grrrrrrrr).  Some seriously fun stuff, though!  Wheeeeeee!

Yes, that’s right… I don’t always try to win.  Why?  I have a competitive spirit, but also some common sense.  If the prize for winning a contest is a field trip to an undisclosed location planned by the most disorganized person in the school… then I’m pretty much going to do the minimum to avoid winning.  If there is a pizza party or something fun involved (and impossible for someone to screw up)… then we’re going all out!

There are other highly competitive teachers, too… but they always do their best.  They’re always nervous, too.  I purposely wait and make mine the last one up just to generate a little fear.  Like this week, for example…  we were asked to create a display about our assigned country for Hispanic Heritage Month.  I waited until the last minute to do mine (traditional Snarky style).  In the meantime, one teacher in particular was very nervous about this.  I took advantage of the situation and had a co-worker plant some information at lunch time.  “I can’t figure out what Snarky is up to… she’s been very secretive about her project!”  Mission accomplished… everyone was all worked up by the afternoon.

Then my plan backfired.  I started to feel like the display should have a little something extra just to warrant all the hype.  Not enough to win, but enough to keep my reputation in tact.  So I decided to add a LITTLE flair to our display.  Apparently it was too much flair… everyone was buzzing about how cute it turned out.  (Obviously, I have no idea how powerful my flair truly is.  LOL)  Now I’m the one who is super nervous… we just might win this thing.  And even worse… the prize hasn’t been announced… the great unknown!  Serves me right for stirring up trouble.

Anyway… from the very beginning, the Mac has been trying to hurt me.  The edges on this thing are unbelievably sharp, cutting into my wrists all day long.  My friends laughed at me and called me a wimp… they couldn’t possibly imagine that a company would make a computer with razor sharp edges.  Hmmmm… just mine, I suppose.  But I googled it and discovered that many were experiencing the same issue.  In fact, there are even cushion-type products on the market for just this issue.  There wasn’t much I could do, so I covered the edges with sticky notes (classy!) and learned how to type with my wrists in the air a little more.

Today, however, the Mac lashed out at me and actually drew blood!  I was shutting it down and shoving it in my file cabinet for the night, when it actually sliced my finger open.  That bitch!  This wasn’t even caused by the sharp edges… it was something lethal on the outside of the laptop.  Who manufactures these things?  Ginsu?

So I just want you all to know… if my lifeless body is found at work near my desk… it wasn’t suicide… it was the Mac.

Still giggling…

I just don’t understand the Facebook (and Myspace) craze.  I had a Myspace page a couple years ago for a few months and HATED it.  It was work.  Sure it was fun to make it all cute and stuff… but the chore of clicking on everyone’s pages to send the REQUIRED appropriate allotment of messages to each friend?  Work.  “Happy Hump Day!”  Ugh.  “It’s Thirsty Thursday!”  Shoot me.  And it IS a requirement… people get pissy if you don’t “comment them back”.  It’s like high school all over again.  Whoever can collect the most friends and appear to be the most popular, wins.  No, thanks.

The other aspect of Facebook that really bothers me (and I realize this makes me a bit of a freak)… is the fact that people can search your name and find you!  Yikes!  I don’t want my students or their parents or my colleagues to track me down and see stupid posts from my friends… or drunken pictures of me sticking my tongue out, making the “shocker” hand gesture.  (Wow… that was quite a night btw!)  No, thanks.

I also don’t want weirdos from my past (that I have successfully brushed off) to find me again.  I’ve got my close circle of friends… we’re tight like spandex.  I’ve got my outer circle of friends… we can go months without seeing each other, but it never feels that way when we get together.  I’ve been pretty good about trimming the fringe… those people whom I really don’t care for… and our conversations always consist of small talk and “catching up”.  I don’t feel the need to keep in touch with them.  I know it’s odd, but that’s how I am.  Facebook brings the fringe back.  No, thanks.

So, please pardon my hermitic (yes, that’s a word) behavior… and quit trying to drag me into virtual high school.

I love animals… I have more compassion for them than I do for people many times.  I feel very cold-hearted for being happy to see these pets go.  In my defense, I even get upset when a harmless pixel animal gets killed in WoW… I have actually uttered the phrase, “Oh no, I killed a frog!”  Oh, the irony!

I’m sure there’s some sort of karmic retribution waiting for me, as a result of my evil thoughts…