I’ve been doing a lot of driving this summer, and I’ve made a few observations. (Me alone with my thoughts never amounts too any good, as you know.) There is one kind of driving behavior that really makes me nuts… the freaks who feel the need to ride your ass! I am not a slow driver, so I feel like there’s no need for anyone to be on my bumper. But there are certain people who just don’t like to have ANYONE in front of them even if they don’t necessarily want to drive any faster. Through my observations, I’ve made some assumptions about these very people… and most fall into a few categories. (You know what they say about assumptions… I can use them to make an ass out of you… oh wait… that’s not it.)
Disclaimer: I realize teenagers and the like have a need for speed. I forgive them. Once you hit 25, however, you are an official grown-up and are subject to harsh judgment.
Guy on your ass: This guy has a small penis. There’s no getting around it. He’s out there trying to show he can dominate somewhere since he can’t do so in the bedroom. Guys… if you really don’t have a small penis, please realize this is what you’re telling the world when you’re tailgating. Also, guys who drive like assholes with their girls in the car are asking to be dumped. It’s a deal-breaker. If your ego is more important than her safety, that’s a peek into the self-centered jackass you truly are. Just sayin’.
Woman in SUV on your ass: Poor girl has a husband with a small penis. She’s got to take her sexual frustration out on someone. Lucky you.
Woman in mini-van on your ass: This woman is bitter that she gave up her posh job in finance to have kids. I’m sure her daily affirmations on Facebook try to tell you that being a mom is the greatest thing ever. But really, she’s just trying to convince herself.
Guy riding crotch rocket on your ass: See number 1, except add in a little confusion about his sexuality.
So the next time you’ve got someone on your ass, don’t get mad. Decide which of these losers you have on your hands and pity them. And if that doesn’t work, slow down and really piss them off. I plan on making a sign to hold up that says, “Yes, I know you have a small penis.” I’ll let you know how that goes.
Laughing so hard, I just might pee...