I’ve been doing a lot of driving this summer, and I’ve made a few observations.  (Me alone with my thoughts never amounts too any good, as you know.)  There is one kind of driving behavior that really makes me nuts… the freaks who feel the need to ride your ass!  I am not a slow driver, so I feel like there’s no need for anyone to be on my bumper.  But there are certain people who just don’t like to have ANYONE in front of them even if they don’t necessarily want to drive any faster.  Through my observations, I’ve made some assumptions about these very people… and most fall into a few categories.  (You know what they say about assumptions… I can use them to make an ass out of you… oh wait… that’s not it.)

Disclaimer:  I realize teenagers and the like have a need for speed.  I forgive them.  Once you hit 25, however, you are an official grown-up and are subject to harsh judgment.

Guy on your ass: This guy has a small penis.  There’s no getting around it.  He’s out there trying to show he can dominate somewhere since he can’t do so in the bedroom.  Guys… if you really don’t have a small penis, please realize this is what you’re telling the world when you’re tailgating.  Also, guys who drive like assholes with their girls in the car are asking to be dumped.  It’s a deal-breaker.  If your ego is more important than her safety, that’s a peek into the self-centered jackass you truly are.  Just sayin’.

Woman in SUV on your ass: Poor girl has a husband with a small penis.  She’s got to take her sexual frustration out on someone.  Lucky you.

Woman in mini-van on your ass: This woman is bitter that she gave up her posh job in finance to have kids.  I’m sure her daily affirmations on Facebook try to tell you that being a mom is the greatest thing ever.  But really, she’s just trying to convince herself.

Guy riding crotch rocket on your ass: See number 1, except add in a little confusion about his sexuality.

So the next time you’ve got someone on your ass, don’t get mad.  Decide which of these losers you have on your hands and pity them.  And if that doesn’t work, slow down and really piss them off.  I plan on making a sign to hold up that says, “Yes, I know you have a small penis.”  I’ll let you know how that goes.

I’m fairly obsessed with gum.  I always have some with me and rarely run out.  This could be because my mom used to monitor my gum usage.  She’d keep it in a special drawer and I was allowed to take ONE PIECE of sugar-free cinnamon gum with me each morning before school.  A normal kid would have ripped it into pieces and spread it out through the day.  But I *had* to shove the whole thing in my mouth immediately.  And as an act of (passive) aggression, I always threw the wrapper in the drawer for Mom to find later.  Score 1 for me.  But I digress…

On my way home from a friend’s house today, I was frantically searching my purse for a piece of gum.  No luck.  I unsuccessfully checked every hiding place in the car.  Oh noes!  The whole world seemed out of balance.  I managed to calm myself through the withdrawal fits… then I suddenly smelled fresh gum.  Is it a mirage?  Is there a piece of gum hiding somewhere, taunting me?  Oh wait… I’m passing a Wrigley’s factory!  *Takes a big whiff*  Mmmmm… Juicy Fruit.

I drive by this factory 40-50 times a year and I have NEVER smelled gum.  Maybe the other gum flavors aren’t as aromatic.  Maybe I haven’t been going by at the right time.  Maybe my Spidey senses were tingling in my weakened state.  Regardless, I couldn’t believe how fragrant it was… and fresh… and delicious.  It was just enough of a buzz to get me home with a big smile on my face.  I love it when something so small can make my day.

La la laaaa la laaaaaaaaaaa…

Daria has been released as a full series DVD set!  I’ve been waiting for this day to come for years.  Daria is one of my favorite shows of all time… and very rare to find on tv anymore.  My friends do not appreciate Daria at all, but they absolutely love how hooked I am… it’s a part of my lovable charm.

I’ve always loved Daria because I can totally relate to her… although we’re not exactly alike, we have much in common. Daria is smart and sarcastic.  She’s got a sister who is absolutely exhausting (mine isn’t anything like Quinn, but exhausting in her very own special way).  Daria is constantly confused/annoyed/entertained by the stupidity of those around her… and usually has a caustic remark to sum things up nicely.  Sooooooooo me.

While I don’t dress in unfortunately drab clothing, speak in a monotone, or have to be coerced into every activity… I certainly share her disdain for the world and her love of snark.

I was at Target recently with a huge list of necessities.  Surprisingly, there were not many whining kids around to annoy me.  I couldn’t believe how quickly I was moving through the store, especially considering they were under construction and in the midst of reorganizing the whole place.  It all seemed too good to be true… and it was.

Enter the oversharer…

As I approached the girl’s only aisle, I had no idea of the horrors that lay ahead.  I don’t generally dawdle here, but they had rearranged everything… so I had to scan the whole aisle for what I needed.  The oversharer noticed me scanning and felt the need to offer her pearls of wisdom… or rather, offer too much information (TMI).  “These (points to the heavy duty elephant flow pads on the top shelf) are wonderful!  I’ve had a heavy flow since I’ve got these cysts and these are the only things that let me get through the night.”  Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm…

I stood there dazed.  Was she seriously discussing her woman stuff with a total stranger in Target?  I’m guessing she had probably posted it as her Facebook status already, so I was literally the only person left to tell.  The best I could do was offer a weak “yeah” and then quickly make my exit.

It still haunts me… I’m hoping grossing you all out will help me heal.  You’re welcome.

My birthday was this weekend.  When my sister called to wish me a happy one she asked how I felt being a year older.  I told her I felt old.  She assured me that I wasn’t old.  But this didn’t comfort me much since she’s 9 years older than me… she was really just trying to make herself feel better.  If she admits I’m old, then she’s ancient by comparison.  LOL  I loved that she seemed a bit terrified by this, so I egged her on a bit.  I joked that it was time for me to have my mid-life crisis now… perhaps buy a sports car.  She reminded me that sports cars are usually what men do… so then I wondered what do women do?  The best my sister could come up with is “get hair extensions”.  Maybe I’ll get vajazzled instead.  ROFL

I am not a huge fan of going to the movies.  I can’t even tell you the last time I went to see one in the theater.  I remember Forrest Gump… and Titanic… and Blair Witch Project… oh my, has it been THAT long?  OK maybe not, but it’s been awhile.

Back in the day, I had roommates and several people who crashed with us all weekend long.  We saw a lot of movies then.  However, now that we’re all grown up, we don’t have the luxury of seeing each other every day.  When I get together with my friends now I don’t want to spend half of our time sitting in silence through a movie.  We usually have way too much to catch up on to waste time.  Unless you’re a huge movie buff, going to the movies is something you do with people you have little in common with or when things are stale (hellooooo date night).

Another downside to the movies is dealing with the general public.  You all know me well enough to realize I have no tolerance for less than stellar public behavior.  The talking, annoying laughs, smells, and the DISGUSTING chewing habits.  I can’t enjoy a movie through the slobbery popcorn chomps.  If I wanted to listen to that, I’d keep my $10 and put my face near my kitty’s bowls at dinner time.  Actually, she has better manners than most movie-goers.

And frankly, not a lot of cinemas serve beer.  Huge bummer.

That being said, my friends and I are venturing out to the movies this weekend!  We wanted to spend the whole day together, so there’s plenty of time for a movie.  We’re hitting a 10:30 am show to avoid people, too.  Very shrewd.  We still have the beer issue, but that will be rectified at lunch afterward.  Something tells me we’ll need a few after Hot Tub Time Machine.  (ROFL, I kid you not.)