I hate Facebook for many reasons.  I believe I’ve ranted about it before, so I won’t bore you with the details.  However, if there was ever a time I wished I had a Facebook, it was this Sunday.

I went to visit some friends  After a long drive to the boonies, I walked into the house and found two friends busy cooking in the kitchen… and two friends sitting at the kitchen table with their noses in Facebook.  They looked up long enough to say ‘hi’ and then went back to FB.  I asked what the drama was (there is ALWAYS drama on FB), but apparently nothing exciting was happening even though they were riveted.

“Betty is allergic to chocolate.”  “Archie can’t wait for baseball season.”  “Veronica just got home from church.”  “Reggie likes my picture.”  “Midge is making pot roast.” Ummmmm… who cares?  First of all, most of these people are virtual strangers.  They are people none of us have seen in our adult lives… so why do we really care how they’re spending their day?  Second, Facebookers have no filter in their brains that tells them what’s good to share and what isn’t.  Nothing brings out your faults as well as FB.  You can see just how shallow, rude, boastful, boring, deceitful, passive-aggressive, and stupid your friends truly are… on a daily basis.  I just don’t understand the obsession with it.

Regardless, if you’re into the nonsense… the very least you can do is keep your Facebook time limited to when you’re alone.  You shouldn’t be checking it while you’re out to dinner or hanging out with your family and friends.  Nothing you have to post (and nothing someone else is posting) is more important than that person sitting in front of you.

If I had Facebook, I would have whipped out my cell phone and posted, “Snarky wishes these b*tches would stop Facebooking and talk to her instead.”  LOL

I am not a huge fan of going to the movies.  I can’t even tell you the last time I went to see one in the theater.  I remember Forrest Gump… and Titanic… and Blair Witch Project… oh my, has it been THAT long?  OK maybe not, but it’s been awhile.

Back in the day, I had roommates and several people who crashed with us all weekend long.  We saw a lot of movies then.  However, now that we’re all grown up, we don’t have the luxury of seeing each other every day.  When I get together with my friends now I don’t want to spend half of our time sitting in silence through a movie.  We usually have way too much to catch up on to waste time.  Unless you’re a huge movie buff, going to the movies is something you do with people you have little in common with or when things are stale (hellooooo date night).

Another downside to the movies is dealing with the general public.  You all know me well enough to realize I have no tolerance for less than stellar public behavior.  The talking, annoying laughs, smells, and the DISGUSTING chewing habits.  I can’t enjoy a movie through the slobbery popcorn chomps.  If I wanted to listen to that, I’d keep my $10 and put my face near my kitty’s bowls at dinner time.  Actually, she has better manners than most movie-goers.

And frankly, not a lot of cinemas serve beer.  Huge bummer.

That being said, my friends and I are venturing out to the movies this weekend!  We wanted to spend the whole day together, so there’s plenty of time for a movie.  We’re hitting a 10:30 am show to avoid people, too.  Very shrewd.  We still have the beer issue, but that will be rectified at lunch afterward.  Something tells me we’ll need a few after Hot Tub Time Machine.  (ROFL, I kid you not.)

I was out with my girlfriends the other night when one of them informed us that her cousin was in the hospital down the road about to pop out a baby. The next morning, we got the email announcing the good news and all the baby’s details. She even attached a picture of the baby… fresh out of the “oven”… ummmmmmmmmm…

Let me just preface this by saying that newborns are not cute… at least not until they’re all cleaned up and had a couple of days to cure. Until then, they are little, red, shriveled-up, angry alien-type things. Sure they’re a blessing and a miracle and blah blah blah… but they’re not pretty… don’t even TRY to tell me otherwise. Why parents insist on inflicting the angry alien pics on others (especially a bunch of single girls who don’t want kids) I will never understand. Give us AND your kid a break. Back to my point… this child was literally JUST born when this picture was snapped… laying there all red and angry and naked on the scale. *shudders*

That’s not even the worst part. When I opened the pic, my eyes were immediately drawn to only one thing… his huge, red, swollen, protruding balls. That’s all I could see. There could have been an orgy going on in the background, and I wouldn’t have noticed. I could only see “it”. I immediately closed the picture out of shock, and the first message in response to the picture was already waiting in my inbox. It wasn’t an “awwww cute baby” as you would expect. It simply read, “whoa… sac alert.” ROFL (I love my friends.) That’s exactly what I was thinking, too. That kid’s gonna have a cowboy swagger!

A dark shadow has fallen upon the snarky kingdom.  I’m beyond depressed.  Is it the economy?  No.  Seasonal Affective Disorder?  I wish.  A plague of boils and locusts?  I could be so lucky.  What I have to share with you is much more apocalyptic than any of these.

MILLER HAS STOPPED PRODUCING ZIMA!   *Collapses*

OK… I know you’re thinking, “Wait… they were still making it?” And yes they were.  I haven’t had it in years, but it was always there on the beer shelf like an old favorite blanket.  It was comforting to know that my all time favorite beverage would always be there for me (even though it hasn’t been socially acceptable in a long time).  Sometimes I would stare at it longingly as I passed by… too embarrassed to buy it.  I was waiting for its comeback.

I have so many fond memories of Zima.  Road trips, nights out, nights in, smuggling 40 oz. Zima’s into the movies.  (ROFL… yes, they made 40’s.)  When it was new, everybody drank it… even boys!  It really was a great drink.., not as bitter and filling as beer… not as sweet and thick as other girly drinks.  “Zomething Different” the ads would affirm.  *Sigh*

This morning, an email was instantly circulated among my closest friends with the subject “OMG BAD NEWS”.  We will be buying every 6- pack of Zima we can get our hands on so that we can have a bon voyage party for Zima… to lay our dear friend to rest.  *Hears Taps playing in the background*

“OMG Snarky… you need to get a Facebook page.”  “Why?”  “So I can add you to my friends.”  “I’m your friend already.”  “Well we can post messages to each other and stuff.”  “Don’t you have my e-mail address and phone number… and you know… the joy of me in person?”  “Well… ummmm…”  “You want other people to be able to read the ridiculous things we say to each other?”  “It’s fun!”  “Yeah…”

I just don’t understand the Facebook (and Myspace) craze.  I had a Myspace page a couple years ago for a few months and HATED it.  It was work.  Sure it was fun to make it all cute and stuff… but the chore of clicking on everyone’s pages to send the REQUIRED appropriate allotment of messages to each friend?  Work.  “Happy Hump Day!”  Ugh.  “It’s Thirsty Thursday!”  Shoot me.  And it IS a requirement… people get pissy if you don’t “comment them back”.  It’s like high school all over again.  Whoever can collect the most friends and appear to be the most popular, wins.  No, thanks.

The other aspect of Facebook that really bothers me (and I realize this makes me a bit of a freak)… is the fact that people can search your name and find you!  Yikes!  I don’t want my students or their parents or my colleagues to track me down and see stupid posts from my friends… or drunken pictures of me sticking my tongue out, making the “shocker” hand gesture.  (Wow… that was quite a night btw!)  No, thanks.

I also don’t want weirdos from my past (that I have successfully brushed off) to find me again.  I’ve got my close circle of friends… we’re tight like spandex.  I’ve got my outer circle of friends… we can go months without seeing each other, but it never feels that way when we get together.  I’ve been pretty good about trimming the fringe… those people whom I really don’t care for… and our conversations always consist of small talk and “catching up”.  I don’t feel the need to keep in touch with them.  I know it’s odd, but that’s how I am.  Facebook brings the fringe back.  No, thanks.

So, please pardon my hermitic (yes, that’s a word) behavior… and quit trying to drag me into virtual high school.

Tomorrow is the dreaded family birthday party for a one-year-old child… except it’s not even my family.  My friend always has these huge family parties for her kids… and then she invites her 5 single girlfriends, too.  No other friends… just us.  Talk about awkward!  The only good part is that I didn’t hear about it until yesterday… so I’ve only had a day and a half to dread it.  A friend of mine said, “Prepare for the huge party sub.”  Another responded, “A big sandwich, kool-aid, and a moon jumper… oh my!”  I really lead a glamorous life.  *winks*