I was out with my girlfriends the other night when one of them informed us that her cousin was in the hospital down the road about to pop out a baby. The next morning, we got the email announcing the good news and all the baby’s details. She even attached a picture of the baby… fresh out of the “oven”… ummmmmmmmmm…

Let me just preface this by saying that newborns are not cute… at least not until they’re all cleaned up and had a couple of days to cure. Until then, they are little, red, shriveled-up, angry alien-type things. Sure they’re a blessing and a miracle and blah blah blah… but they’re not pretty… don’t even TRY to tell me otherwise. Why parents insist on inflicting the angry alien pics on others (especially a bunch of single girls who don’t want kids) I will never understand. Give us AND your kid a break. Back to my point… this child was literally JUST born when this picture was snapped… laying there all red and angry and naked on the scale. *shudders*

That’s not even the worst part. When I opened the pic, my eyes were immediately drawn to only one thing… his huge, red, swollen, protruding balls. That’s all I could see. There could have been an orgy going on in the background, and I wouldn’t have noticed. I could only see “it”. I immediately closed the picture out of shock, and the first message in response to the picture was already waiting in my inbox. It wasn’t an “awwww cute baby” as you would expect. It simply read, “whoa… sac alert.” ROFL (I love my friends.) That’s exactly what I was thinking, too. That kid’s gonna have a cowboy swagger!

A dark shadow has fallen upon the snarky kingdom.  I’m beyond depressed.  Is it the economy?  No.  Seasonal Affective Disorder?  I wish.  A plague of boils and locusts?  I could be so lucky.  What I have to share with you is much more apocalyptic than any of these.

MILLER HAS STOPPED PRODUCING ZIMA!   *Collapses*

OK… I know you’re thinking, “Wait… they were still making it?” And yes they were.  I haven’t had it in years, but it was always there on the beer shelf like an old favorite blanket.  It was comforting to know that my all time favorite beverage would always be there for me (even though it hasn’t been socially acceptable in a long time).  Sometimes I would stare at it longingly as I passed by… too embarrassed to buy it.  I was waiting for its comeback.

I have so many fond memories of Zima.  Road trips, nights out, nights in, smuggling 40 oz. Zima’s into the movies.  (ROFL… yes, they made 40’s.)  When it was new, everybody drank it… even boys!  It really was a great drink.., not as bitter and filling as beer… not as sweet and thick as other girly drinks.  “Zomething Different” the ads would affirm.  *Sigh*

This morning, an email was instantly circulated among my closest friends with the subject “OMG BAD NEWS”.  We will be buying every 6- pack of Zima we can get our hands on so that we can have a bon voyage party for Zima… to lay our dear friend to rest.  *Hears Taps playing in the background*

“OMG Snarky… you need to get a Facebook page.”  “Why?”  “So I can add you to my friends.”  “I’m your friend already.”  “Well we can post messages to each other and stuff.”  “Don’t you have my e-mail address and phone number… and you know… the joy of me in person?”  “Well… ummmm…”  “You want other people to be able to read the ridiculous things we say to each other?”  “It’s fun!”  “Yeah…”

I just don’t understand the Facebook (and Myspace) craze.  I had a Myspace page a couple years ago for a few months and HATED it.  It was work.  Sure it was fun to make it all cute and stuff… but the chore of clicking on everyone’s pages to send the REQUIRED appropriate allotment of messages to each friend?  Work.  “Happy Hump Day!”  Ugh.  “It’s Thirsty Thursday!”  Shoot me.  And it IS a requirement… people get pissy if you don’t “comment them back”.  It’s like high school all over again.  Whoever can collect the most friends and appear to be the most popular, wins.  No, thanks.

The other aspect of Facebook that really bothers me (and I realize this makes me a bit of a freak)… is the fact that people can search your name and find you!  Yikes!  I don’t want my students or their parents or my colleagues to track me down and see stupid posts from my friends… or drunken pictures of me sticking my tongue out, making the “shocker” hand gesture.  (Wow… that was quite a night btw!)  No, thanks.

I also don’t want weirdos from my past (that I have successfully brushed off) to find me again.  I’ve got my close circle of friends… we’re tight like spandex.  I’ve got my outer circle of friends… we can go months without seeing each other, but it never feels that way when we get together.  I’ve been pretty good about trimming the fringe… those people whom I really don’t care for… and our conversations always consist of small talk and “catching up”.  I don’t feel the need to keep in touch with them.  I know it’s odd, but that’s how I am.  Facebook brings the fringe back.  No, thanks.

So, please pardon my hermitic (yes, that’s a word) behavior… and quit trying to drag me into virtual high school.

Tomorrow is the dreaded family birthday party for a one-year-old child… except it’s not even my family.  My friend always has these huge family parties for her kids… and then she invites her 5 single girlfriends, too.  No other friends… just us.  Talk about awkward!  The only good part is that I didn’t hear about it until yesterday… so I’ve only had a day and a half to dread it.  A friend of mine said, “Prepare for the huge party sub.”  Another responded, “A big sandwich, kool-aid, and a moon jumper… oh my!”  I really lead a glamorous life.  *winks*

My mom has always said that I have champagne taste but a beer budget.  As usual, she’s right.  This forces me to do a lot of outlet shopping… the eternal bargain hunter.  But I don’t want just ANY bargain… I want something truly amazing for next to nothing.

This summer, I decided it was time to replace my living room furniture (sofa, chairs, that sort of thing).  It’s all 10 years old and from IKEA.  Not that there’s anything wrong with IKEA, but 10 years is more than enough use out of IKEA furniture… and I’m ready for some grown up stuff anyway!

Well my champagne taste recently led me to my favorite furniture outlet stores:  Crate and Barrel, Carson’s, and Macy’s.  (If ONLY there was a Pottery Barn outlet nearby!)  My girlfriends came with me since girls always shop in packs… but mainly because I tend to agonize over decisions like this.  We didn’t find much until we got to Macy’s.  I fell in love with a sofa there.  It was PERFECT!  Everything about it was ideal… except one thing.  It was a sleeper!  I do NOT need any more reasons for people to decide to sleep over at my house.  The price wasn’t too great, either.  I was bummed, but we continued on.

We finally worked our way to the clearance area and THERE IT WAS!  The same couch!  We checked it out… not a sleeper!  OMG SOLD!  Then we looked at the price… $149!  Wait… did someone leave a zero off?  Nope… $149!  OMG SOLD!!!

We stood there in shock for a moment… nobody knew what to say.  Then reality set in.  “What’s wrong with it?” I asked to the group.  Everyone just shrugged.  The inspection began.  We were on our knees with every cushion pulled off… sniffing every inch of fabric… investigating for stains… feeling for tears and scratches. Nothing.  “Something HAS to be wrong with it!”  We couldn’t find a thing.

A sales guy happened to be wandering by.  “Excuse me… what’s wrong with this sofa?”  “We’re practically giving it away.”  “Right, what’s WRONG with it?”  “Are you complaining about a couch that’s practically free?”  “Did somebody pee on it?”  (Poppie peed on my couch!)  LOL  We went round and round with the sales dude… at least he had a sense of humor about it.  It turns out that it was delivered to someone, they changed their mind, and it was returned the next day, rendering it worthless to Macy’s.  This all opened the door for a  snarky little kitten like me to swoop in and buy it for 10% of it’s original price.  INSANE!  (Not that I’m complaining!)

Well, of course, after buying the couch I simply HAD to have some matching pieces.  So a trip to the real Macy’s was in order.  The furniture gods were smiling upon me once again… Macy’s was having a HUGE sale.  So I got a matching chair and ottoman and a the cutest accent chair ever!  All in all, I got an entire roomful of quality, grown-up furniture for about half of what it normally sells for.   Wooohooooo!

Champagne, anyone?

Gas for 6 hour drive to Ohio… $100

Purchases at outlet mall (Pottery Barn, Coach, etc.)… $750 (and a security call from Mastercard)

Dinner out… $150

Hotel room… $100

Cocktails for hotel room… $50

Drunken fall on a slippery bathroom floor (and earning the new nickname “Riblet”)… 2 cracked ribs

Road trip with the girls… priceless!