During a recent night out with the girls, I found myself listening to the strangest story in the history of the world.  Of course, I feel inclined to share the horror with you now.

A couple martinis into the night, Veronica* says, “Well, girls, I did it!”  (Oh, God… this could be anything.  *Braces herself.*)  “I told Harry* that if he wanted to do the thing he likes me to do, then he was going to have to shave!  I told him I was tired of getting poked in the eye!”  *Drinks spray in the air as we all choke on that last sip.*  Poked in the eye?  ROFL

Of course Harry couldn’t possibly imagine how he could do this himself, so she agreed to help.  Now you’re thinking, as I did, ok that’s kind of hot.  A little mutual shaving… bring it on.  Oh no, we assumed wrong… this was about as hot as surgery prep.  How can that be?  Well, I present you with Veronica & Harry’s Manscaping 101:

Step 1:  Have your man sit buck naked on your beige couch.  Forget about the skid marks you’ll live with for the rest of your life.
Step 2:  Turn on the Cubs game.  Yes, baseball.
Step 3:  Begin furiously trimming with a shaver and scissors.  Picture Edward Scissorhands trimming a bush into a deer shape.
Step 4:  Don’t want pubic hair all over your couch and carpet?  Hold a dish towel under the area as you work.
Step 5:  Sit back and envy your work.
Step 6:  Have your man get dressed and go to dinner at Chipotle.

I can’t get the scene out of my head… it keeps me up at night in terror.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sit on her couch again… or really touch anything in her apartment… knowing what went down.   *Shudders*

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the oddballs.

A dark shadow has fallen upon the snarky kingdom.  I’m beyond depressed.  Is it the economy?  No.  Seasonal Affective Disorder?  I wish.  A plague of boils and locusts?  I could be so lucky.  What I have to share with you is much more apocalyptic than any of these.

MILLER HAS STOPPED PRODUCING ZIMA!   *Collapses*

OK… I know you’re thinking, “Wait… they were still making it?” And yes they were.  I haven’t had it in years, but it was always there on the beer shelf like an old favorite blanket.  It was comforting to know that my all time favorite beverage would always be there for me (even though it hasn’t been socially acceptable in a long time).  Sometimes I would stare at it longingly as I passed by… too embarrassed to buy it.  I was waiting for its comeback.

I have so many fond memories of Zima.  Road trips, nights out, nights in, smuggling 40 oz. Zima’s into the movies.  (ROFL… yes, they made 40’s.)  When it was new, everybody drank it… even boys!  It really was a great drink.., not as bitter and filling as beer… not as sweet and thick as other girly drinks.  “Zomething Different” the ads would affirm.  *Sigh*

This morning, an email was instantly circulated among my closest friends with the subject “OMG BAD NEWS”.  We will be buying every 6- pack of Zima we can get our hands on so that we can have a bon voyage party for Zima… to lay our dear friend to rest.  *Hears Taps playing in the background*

“OMG Snarky… you need to get a Facebook page.”  “Why?”  “So I can add you to my friends.”  “I’m your friend already.”  “Well we can post messages to each other and stuff.”  “Don’t you have my e-mail address and phone number… and you know… the joy of me in person?”  “Well… ummmm…”  “You want other people to be able to read the ridiculous things we say to each other?”  “It’s fun!”  “Yeah…”

I just don’t understand the Facebook (and Myspace) craze.  I had a Myspace page a couple years ago for a few months and HATED it.  It was work.  Sure it was fun to make it all cute and stuff… but the chore of clicking on everyone’s pages to send the REQUIRED appropriate allotment of messages to each friend?  Work.  “Happy Hump Day!”  Ugh.  “It’s Thirsty Thursday!”  Shoot me.  And it IS a requirement… people get pissy if you don’t “comment them back”.  It’s like high school all over again.  Whoever can collect the most friends and appear to be the most popular, wins.  No, thanks.

The other aspect of Facebook that really bothers me (and I realize this makes me a bit of a freak)… is the fact that people can search your name and find you!  Yikes!  I don’t want my students or their parents or my colleagues to track me down and see stupid posts from my friends… or drunken pictures of me sticking my tongue out, making the “shocker” hand gesture.  (Wow… that was quite a night btw!)  No, thanks.

I also don’t want weirdos from my past (that I have successfully brushed off) to find me again.  I’ve got my close circle of friends… we’re tight like spandex.  I’ve got my outer circle of friends… we can go months without seeing each other, but it never feels that way when we get together.  I’ve been pretty good about trimming the fringe… those people whom I really don’t care for… and our conversations always consist of small talk and “catching up”.  I don’t feel the need to keep in touch with them.  I know it’s odd, but that’s how I am.  Facebook brings the fringe back.  No, thanks.

So, please pardon my hermitic (yes, that’s a word) behavior… and quit trying to drag me into virtual high school.

Tomorrow is the dreaded family birthday party for a one-year-old child… except it’s not even my family.  My friend always has these huge family parties for her kids… and then she invites her 5 single girlfriends, too.  No other friends… just us.  Talk about awkward!  The only good part is that I didn’t hear about it until yesterday… so I’ve only had a day and a half to dread it.  A friend of mine said, “Prepare for the huge party sub.”  Another responded, “A big sandwich, kool-aid, and a moon jumper… oh my!”  I really lead a glamorous life.  *winks*

My mom has always said that I have champagne taste but a beer budget.  As usual, she’s right.  This forces me to do a lot of outlet shopping… the eternal bargain hunter.  But I don’t want just ANY bargain… I want something truly amazing for next to nothing.

This summer, I decided it was time to replace my living room furniture (sofa, chairs, that sort of thing).  It’s all 10 years old and from IKEA.  Not that there’s anything wrong with IKEA, but 10 years is more than enough use out of IKEA furniture… and I’m ready for some grown up stuff anyway!

Well my champagne taste recently led me to my favorite furniture outlet stores:  Crate and Barrel, Carson’s, and Macy’s.  (If ONLY there was a Pottery Barn outlet nearby!)  My girlfriends came with me since girls always shop in packs… but mainly because I tend to agonize over decisions like this.  We didn’t find much until we got to Macy’s.  I fell in love with a sofa there.  It was PERFECT!  Everything about it was ideal… except one thing.  It was a sleeper!  I do NOT need any more reasons for people to decide to sleep over at my house.  The price wasn’t too great, either.  I was bummed, but we continued on.

We finally worked our way to the clearance area and THERE IT WAS!  The same couch!  We checked it out… not a sleeper!  OMG SOLD!  Then we looked at the price… $149!  Wait… did someone leave a zero off?  Nope… $149!  OMG SOLD!!!

We stood there in shock for a moment… nobody knew what to say.  Then reality set in.  “What’s wrong with it?” I asked to the group.  Everyone just shrugged.  The inspection began.  We were on our knees with every cushion pulled off… sniffing every inch of fabric… investigating for stains… feeling for tears and scratches. Nothing.  “Something HAS to be wrong with it!”  We couldn’t find a thing.

A sales guy happened to be wandering by.  “Excuse me… what’s wrong with this sofa?”  “We’re practically giving it away.”  “Right, what’s WRONG with it?”  “Are you complaining about a couch that’s practically free?”  “Did somebody pee on it?”  (Poppie peed on my couch!)  LOL  We went round and round with the sales dude… at least he had a sense of humor about it.  It turns out that it was delivered to someone, they changed their mind, and it was returned the next day, rendering it worthless to Macy’s.  This all opened the door for a  snarky little kitten like me to swoop in and buy it for 10% of it’s original price.  INSANE!  (Not that I’m complaining!)

Well, of course, after buying the couch I simply HAD to have some matching pieces.  So a trip to the real Macy’s was in order.  The furniture gods were smiling upon me once again… Macy’s was having a HUGE sale.  So I got a matching chair and ottoman and a the cutest accent chair ever!  All in all, I got an entire roomful of quality, grown-up furniture for about half of what it normally sells for.   Wooohooooo!

Champagne, anyone?

Gas for 6 hour drive to Ohio… $100

Purchases at outlet mall (Pottery Barn, White House Black Market, Coach, etc.)… $750 (and a security call from Mastercard)

Dinner out… $150

Hotel room… $100

Cocktails for hotel room… $50

Drunken fall on a slippery bathroom floor (and earning the new nickname “Riblet”)… 2 cracked ribs

Road trip with the girls… priceless!

In fall of 2006, one of my best friends was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It was hard to get over the shock of the news, since she was only 32. With her tenacious spirit, the love of her family and friends, her wicked sense of humor, and a radical hysterectomy in December, she managed to power through and (a year later) is cancer-free!

Most young women would be sad to hear that they will never have children, but she was relieved to hear she wouldn’t be contributing to the brat population at Target. Most young women would be depressed about experiencing menopause, but she laughs her way through the hot flashes. She recently sent me this link www.tamponcrafts.com to show all the things she can make with her unneeded tampons. (My personal favorite is the wig.) LOL This girl is amazing!

Although we have celebrated her health all year, we’ve really been focusing on it with this anniversary. We’re capping off the celebration with a full-blown party at our favorite “snaggle bar” (don’t ask) this weekend. (K, get your drinking shoes on! xoxo)

One last thought or two:
Ladies… don’t put off your check-ups. Guys… love the ladies that are in your life.