I’ve got some issues with most of today’s parents (shocker).  I just got back from vacation with some friends, including a family with 3 young children.  What a maddening experience… I really can’t believe that people live their lives in complete hell, negotiating every single activity with their children.  The constant negotiating really sucks the joy out of just about everything.  So, I have a few tips for parents out there:

1.  TV makes your kids dumb.  You know this.  It’s bad enough they watch too much at home… but do you really need to watch it in the car on the way to the bank, too?  I don’t care if it’s the only peace you get.  Maybe you need to look into that issue (your kids being brats) instead of slapping a big brain cell killing band-aid over it.  Whatever happened to books and music?

2.  Your kids do not need to make every household decision.  “Do you want waffles or cereal for breakfast.  OK, round waffles or square waffles?  OK, squishy or crunchy?”  For the love of God!  What you should be making for breakfast is whatever you have the time and supplies for… and whatever is best for the kids’ nutrition.  If they don’t eat it, too bad.  Put some foil over it and save it for when they start begging for a snack in an hour.  LOL  Won’t that piss them off?  Gotta love it.

3.  Stop negotiating over food.  “Take two more big bites or no dessert.  If you want more chips, you need to eat three more grapes.”  No.  If you put proper portions on their plates, then they should be expected to finish it.  If they don’t, then they get no seconds of their favorites and certainly no dessert.  Again, put some foil over the plate and save it for when they want a snack in an hour.  They will eat when they’re hungry.  And there’s no such thing as a chip and dessert deficiency… you’re doing your kids a favor by skipping them.

4.  It’s ok to say no.  In fact, dare I say, it’s GOOD to say no to your kids.  What a valuable life lesson:  you can’t get everything you want just by pouting and yelling… some things take hard work and patience.  The people that you hate at work are the ones who never heard no as a child.

5.  STOP WITH THE IDLE THREATS ALREADY!  “If you do that again, you will lose a privilege.  Do it again and lose a privilege.  One more time and you lose a privilege.”  Dude.  The kid knows you’re bluffing.  We all do.  Nothing undermines your authority more than when you threaten something and never follow through.  Honestly, you are better off ignoring the behavior altogether.  AND should you finally decide you’ve given enough “warnings”, that kid KNOWS they can negotiate their way out of the punishment anyway.  Don’t waste your breath.  If you aren’t going to be consistent, then shut up and let me sip my daiquiri in peace.

You are the grown-ups.  Take charge of your lives.  Be fair and consistent.  You will be far less stressed out if you establish yourselves as the authority in your household.  Your children will love and respect you for being the stable force in their lives, I promise.