Dear Jackass in Charge,

Believe it or not, I do not wish to spend my Friday evening with you at the work-sponsored Christmas party.  I do not care for you. You seem nice enough, I guess.  If you were my neighbor we’d probably get along just fine.  (Although, you seem like the type who would write a sharply worded letter to the neighborhood association if my garbage can sat on the curb one hour past the garbage can curfew.)  I’m sure you are a lovely person outside of the workplace.  However, your general disrespect for my colleagues and me has ruined any chance we have of getting along.  Let’s just review a sampling of behavior… perhaps you’ll see what I mean.

First of all, you use phrases like “precipice of renaissance” with a straight face.  You gush, “Welcome to Tuesday!” instead of “Good morning.”  or “Hello.”  (Who hired you as the official days of the week spokesperson anyway?)  Regardless, I can’t stand seeing you heading in my direction.  I avoid eye contact to hopefully bypass any of your polysyllabic verbosity (I gots words, too) and idiotic catch phrases.

Then there’s the fact that you don’t like us.  You’ve told us to our faces how spoiled you think we are… and how we have a false sense of entitlement.  Yes, we are truly awful people for expecting other people to… you know… do their jobs.  The nerve!   I can’t tell you how fun it was to sit on the first day of school and applaud the favored members of the staff.  They were called up by name and given gifts for… you know… doing their jobs.  Yet there was no mention of all the staff who came in for two weeks to prepare for the start of the school year… two weeks of their vacation time… two weeks without pay… two weeks for the good of the cause.  In fact, we were scolded for using too much paper and breathing your air or something ridiculous.

I really could go on and on with the terrible things you’ve said and done in our time together, but I think you get the idea.  I don’t care for your management style (if you can call it that).  I don’t want to spend my free time with someone who doesn’t like or appreciate me.  But most of all, I wouldn’t be able to resist bringing my copy of How to Work for an Idiot as my white elephant gift.  Something tells me I’d be in trouble.

In summation, any holiday spirit I have (in the workplace) cannot overshine your general toolishness… and outside of work, you don’t exist.

Sincerely,

Me

While poring over a new favorite blog of mine, I found this delicious little entry.  I love cupcakes… I love baking… and I love cute little teeny tiny itty bitty girly things… so I instantly fell in love.  <3  Being the masochist domestic goddess that I am, I got right to work!

I’ve never worked with candy melts or molds… so it was not quite as simple as the blog implies (for a noob like me).  “Melt chocolate bark and candy melts in microwave per directions on package.”  The package said melt them using the defrost setting on the microwave.  I don’t think I’ve ever used the defrost before.  I hit the button and it paused for a moment, as if to say, “Seriously?  You’re defrosting?”  While they melted, I had wonderful visions of boxing these delights up as gifts for people… perhaps even starting my own business with them!  Boy was I wrong…

After completely covering myself in chocolate and sprinkles, I finally got one small batch of bites completed (about 10  LOL).  Then I took my candy melts back to the microwave to soften them up a bit before the next group.  I really didn’t want to wait for the 50% power defrost method, so I hit the usual full power turbo setting.  I quietly commended myself for this because I wanted the stuff to be a little more runny than the first time to get better coverage.  Pfft… I don’t need no stinking directions… these candy people are clearly out of their minds.  I stir it up… expecting it to be thin and smooth… and it completely clumps up and turns into a space-age substance.  WTH!  *grumbles* Stupid candy people…

So, a couple of hours of my life have passed… I have a bowl full of unused batter… a bowl full of ruined candy melt stuff… 10 cupcake bites… and a huge mess in my kitchen.  LOL  Never again.  BUT… at least there were enough “ok” ones to snap a picture or two.

Please, friends… next time I get a bright idea… STOP ME!

I was just in a drive-thru line waiting for my chopped salad and lemonade for lunch… and the guy ahead of me (in a royal blue corvette, go figure) opened his door and spit on the pavement.  Actual saliva… not even tobacco (although that’s just as gross).  Really?  Guys still do that?  Did I miss a day in health class where they showed us that men create more spit than women?  Do you really need to mark the drive-thru lane as your territory?  Is half-wit hillbilly the image we’re really going for now?

Guys…  if you’re out in the forest shootin’ up deer and skinnin’ ‘possum, then go ahead and have a spit to solidify your manly experience.  But out here in the nice, clean suburbs… keep all bodily fluids to yourself.  Spitting doesn’t make you look manly… it makes you look stupid… and gross.  Stop it.  (Although, blue corvette was already looking stupid and gross sans spit.  Ohhhh snap!)

I’ve got some issues with most of today’s parents (shocker).  I just got back from vacation with some friends, including a family with 3 young children.  What a maddening experience… I really can’t believe that people live their lives in complete hell, negotiating every single activity with their children.  The constant negotiating really sucks the joy out of just about everything.  So, I have a few tips for parents out there:

1.  TV makes your kids dumb.  You know this.  It’s bad enough they watch too much at home… but do you really need to watch it in the car on the way to the bank, too?  I don’t care if it’s the only peace you get.  Maybe you need to look into that issue (your kids being brats) instead of slapping a big brain cell killing band-aid over it.  Whatever happened to books and music?

2.  Your kids do not need to make every household decision.  “Do you want waffles or cereal for breakfast.  OK, round waffles or square waffles?  OK, squishy or crunchy?”  For the love of God!  What you should be making for breakfast is whatever you have the time and supplies for… and whatever is best for the kids’ nutrition.  If they don’t eat it, too bad.  Put some foil over it and save it for when they start begging for a snack in an hour.  LOL  Won’t that piss them off?  Gotta love it.

3.  Stop negotiating over food.  “Take two more big bites or no dessert.  If you want more chips, you need to eat three more grapes.”  No.  If you put proper portions on their plates, then they should be expected to finish it.  If they don’t, then they get no seconds of their favorites and certainly no dessert.  Again, put some foil over the plate and save it for when they want a snack in an hour.  They will eat when they’re hungry.  And there’s no such thing as a chip and dessert deficiency… you’re doing your kids a favor by skipping them.

4.  It’s ok to say no.  In fact, dare I say, it’s GOOD to say no to your kids.  What a valuable life lesson:  you can’t get everything you want just by pouting and yelling… some things take hard work and patience.  The people that you hate at work are the ones who never heard no as a child.

5.  STOP WITH THE IDLE THREATS ALREADY!  “If you do that again, you will lose a privilege.  Do it again and lose a privilege.  One more time and you lose a privilege.”  Dude.  The kid knows you’re bluffing.  We all do.  Nothing undermines your authority more than when you threaten something and never follow through.  Honestly, you are better off ignoring the behavior altogether.  AND should you finally decide you’ve given enough “warnings”, that kid KNOWS they can negotiate their way out of the punishment anyway.  Don’t waste your breath.  If you aren’t going to be consistent, then shut up and let me sip my daiquiri in peace.

You are the grown-ups.  Take charge of your lives.  Be fair and consistent.  You will be far less stressed out if you establish yourselves as the authority in your household.  Your children will love and respect you for being the stable force in their lives, I promise.

I think I just watched the making of a future serial killer at Target. I am the first to admit that I am VERY judgy regarding many of the parents I see in public and how they treat/monitor their kids… but this lady would have made Hannibal Lector a bit uneasy.

I was engrossed in reading every sunscreen label in the aisle when she first surfaced.  She had a small boy in the basket part of the cart and a young girl trailing behind.  I made an assumption that she was their grandmother, but this turned out to be false.  They passed behind me in the aisle quietly… then she got to the end and I heard her start fussing.  She had one of those deep, raspy smokers’ voices that gives you the chills.  It turned out that the little girl paused at my cart and was nosing into what I had.  The woman freaked out… not about her rudeness… but about the fact that she had lagged 4 feet behind her mother.  She nagged on and on about how someone would come along and steal her away if she left her side.  Yikes.

Two minutes later, I heard her again.  “Don’t do THAT!  You’re going to split your head open then I’ll have to take you to the hospital for stitches.  Is that what you want?”  Yikes.

Another two minutes went by… “THAT is the most disgusting thing in the world. I can’t believe you just did that.  That’s disgusting.  You are going to get so sick now we’ll have to take you to the hospital.  If you do that again I’m just going to leave you here!”  (I’m guessing he ate a booger or something here… or licked the cart… who knows?)  Then she shouted, “That’s IT!”  The boy began desperately crying and begging, “Please don’t, mama… please!”  “One more time and I’m leaving you here.”  Yikes!

This same conversation happened at least 2 more times… her chastising him for being filthy and disgusting and threatening to leave him.  Then sobs and begging from the child.  These poor kids must be terrified of the world around them.  Everything they touch will result in a trip to the hospital.  Every stranger is a kidnapper.  If they misbehave, their mom will abandon them.  I was sick to my stomach.  I probably should have said something.  =(  If this kid isn’t constructing a “woman skin suit” in his basement by the time he’s 30, I’ll be shocked.

Today I chewed a piece of gum for the first time in over 6 months.  I love gum… I go through a mega pack in a week.  Why the 6 month hiatus?  Let’s just say I’ve had a little dental trouble lately (understatement of the year)… thus the massive loads of Excedrin mentioned in a previous post.  LOL

I’ll spare you the excruciating details and just give you a summary:  mind-numbing pain, swollen jaw, nasty infection, antibiotics, 2 trips to the endodontist, 7 visits with the dentist, and $3400 in bills… for what we now refer to as “the epic tooth”.

P.S.  Endodontists are extremely sadistic (and necessarily so).

P.P.S.  The little punk behind the pharmacy counter had the nerve to say, “This seems like a small dose  for someone……. ((long pregnant pause))……. YOUR age.”

P.P.P.S.  I got to keep the plaster mold of my mouth!  Yay!

I was out with my girlfriends the other night when one of them informed us that her cousin was in the hospital down the road about to pop out a baby. The next morning, we got the email announcing the good news and all the baby’s details. She even attached a picture of the baby… fresh out of the “oven”… ummmmmmmmmm…

Let me just preface this by saying that newborns are not cute… at least not until they’re all cleaned up and had a couple of days to cure. Until then, they are little, red, shriveled-up, angry alien-type things. Sure they’re a blessing and a miracle and blah blah blah… but they’re not pretty… don’t even TRY to tell me otherwise. Why parents insist on inflicting the angry alien pics on others (especially a bunch of single girls who don’t want kids) I will never understand. Give us AND your kid a break. Back to my point… this child was literally JUST born when this picture was snapped… laying there all red and angry and naked on the scale. *shudders*

That’s not even the worst part. When I opened the pic, my eyes were immediately drawn to only one thing… his huge, red, swollen, protruding balls. That’s all I could see. There could have been an orgy going on in the background, and I wouldn’t have noticed. I could only see “it”. I immediately closed the picture out of shock, and the first message in response to the picture was already waiting in my inbox. It wasn’t an “awwww cute baby” as you would expect. It simply read, “whoa… sac alert.” ROFL (I love my friends.) That’s exactly what I was thinking, too. That kid’s gonna have a cowboy swagger!

Do you know who the real crooks are in our declining economy? The flower delivery peeps, that’s who!

So let’s get this straight… I can go to the grocery store and buy a beautiful bouquet for under $10… buy a vase for $5… and take it over to the recipient for a few cents in gas. OR I can order flowers through a flower service… pay $40-50 for the same bouquet and vase… add $5 tax… add $5 “handling” fee… add $15 delivery… add another $5 to guarantee that it gets there the day you asked for… and you’re paying $70-80 for $3 worth of flowers. I mean REALLY! No REALLLLLLYYYYYYY… it’s robbery.

And I’m not buying the whole “you’re paying for the convenience” argument. Nobody else charges you for handling equal to the value of the item itself… not even Pottery Barn! (I <3 you, Pottery Barn… ignore my harsh words.) They’ve already inflated the cost of the flowers for the arrangement and grossly adjusted the price to account for the time it takes to throw 12 stems in a vase. I expect to pay tax and a SMALL delivery fee… that’s it… just like pizza… $4 for your trouble.

Would you order pizza if the pizza cost $20 and they wanted another $20 to bring it to you? I think not. The flower peeps are taking advantage of the fact that flowers are gifts for others… and while you’d never waste that kind of money on yourself… you are incredibly cheap and tacky if you won’t do it for your loved ones. And we are the suckers who believe it…

This weekend I finally tackled the horrifying project of cleaning out my bathroom cabinets.  I haven’t done it since I moved in 5 years ago.  LOL  Yeah, that’s bad.  I was expecting to find a lot of expired makeup, lotions, and nail polish.  But I was not prepared for what I discovered deep in the depths under my sink.

Mold?  Blonde hair dye?  A hair ball with a life of its own?  Naked photos stashed away?  All horrifying things… but nothing compared to this…

OMG RUNNNNN!  That’s right… I found a basket full of scrunchies (and various other strange hair doodads)!  Scrunchies!  I mean they were never fashionable, even though they were popular back in the late 80’s/early 90’s.  I can’t believe I ever acquired enough to fill a basket.  I can’t believe I still have them in my possession even if I did end up with them at some point.  No wait… even worse… I can’t believe I paid movers to move a basket of scrunchies to my new house 5 years ago.  I mean wtf was I thinking?  “Hmmmm… these might be worth something one day… I better bring them with me.”  “These would be great to hold my socks up.”  “Who needs chip clips?”  Seriously… what went through my mind?

Fortunately, I am much wiser now and they went straight into the trash without hesitation.  But the spare room closet is next on my organization list… now I’m scared of what might be in there… hold me?

I voted for Obama.  I have hope that he can make some positive changes.  I was happy to see him sworn in today and thought his speech was pretty good.  But I’m a little worried about the Obama-mania.

People seem to worship him, or the idea of him, to the point of utter blindness.  This cannot be good.  YES, we should support him as president.  YES, we are hopeful.  But let’s keep our eyes open.  I think he’s a good man and that he will do his best.  However, I truly believe that there was a greater force behind his successful election to the White House… greater than hopeful voters.  We’re being puppeted… and his popularity will be misused by others.

So, support your president… it’s your civic duty, even if you didn’t vote for him… but don’t be blind to the puppet masters.