I think I just watched the making of a future serial killer at Target. I am the first to admit that I am VERY judgy regarding many of the parents I see in public and how they treat/monitor their kids… but this lady would have made Hannibal Lector a bit uneasy.

I was engrossed in reading every sunscreen label in the aisle when she first surfaced.  She had a small boy in the basket part of the cart and a young girl trailing behind.  I made an assumption that she was their grandmother, but this turned out to be false.  They passed behind me in the aisle quietly… then she got to the end and I heard her start fussing.  She had one of those deep, raspy smokers’ voices that gives you the chills.  It turned out that the little girl paused at my cart and was nosing into what I had.  The woman freaked out… not about her rudeness… but about the fact that she had lagged 4 feet behind her mother.  She nagged on and on about how someone would come along and steal her away if she left her side.  Yikes.

Two minutes later, I heard her again.  “Don’t do THAT!  You’re going to split your head open then I’ll have to take you to the hospital for stitches.  Is that what you want?”  Yikes.

Another two minutes went by… “THAT is the most disgusting thing in the world. I can’t believe you just did that.  That’s disgusting.  You are going to get so sick now we’ll have to take you to the hospital.  If you do that again I’m just going to leave you here!”  (I’m guessing he ate a booger or something here… or licked the cart… who knows?)  Then she shouted, “That’s IT!”  The boy began desperately crying and begging, “Please don’t, mama… please!”  “One more time and I’m leaving you here.”  Yikes!

This same conversation happened at least 2 more times… her chastising him for being filthy and disgusting and threatening to leave him.  Then sobs and begging from the child.  These poor kids must be terrified of the world around them.  Everything they touch will result in a trip to the hospital.  Every stranger is a kidnapper.  If they misbehave, their mom will abandon them.  I was sick to my stomach.  I probably should have said something.  =(  If this kid isn’t constructing a “woman skin suit” in his basement by the time he’s 30, I’ll be shocked.

Today I chewed a piece of gum for the first time in over 6 months.  I love gum… I go through a mega pack in a week.  Why the 6 month hiatus?  Let’s just say I’ve had a little dental trouble lately (understatement of the year)… thus the massive loads of Excedrin mentioned in a previous post.  LOL

I’ll spare you the excruciating details and just give you a summary:  mind-numbing pain, swollen jaw, nasty infection, antibiotics, 2 trips to the endodontist, 7 visits with the dentist, and $3400 in bills… for what we now refer to as “the epic tooth”.

P.S.  Endodontists are extremely sadistic (and necessarily so).

P.P.S.  The little punk behind the pharmacy counter had the nerve to say, “This seems like a small dose  for someone……. ((long pregnant pause))……. YOUR age.”

P.P.P.S.  I got to keep the plaster mold of my mouth!  Yay!

I was out with my girlfriends the other night when one of them informed us that her cousin was in the hospital down the road about to pop out a baby. The next morning, we got the email announcing the good news and all the baby’s details. She even attached a picture of the baby… fresh out of the “oven”… ummmmmmmmmm…

Let me just preface this by saying that newborns are not cute… at least not until they’re all cleaned up and had a couple of days to cure. Until then, they are little, red, shriveled-up, angry alien-type things. Sure they’re a blessing and a miracle and blah blah blah… but they’re not pretty… don’t even TRY to tell me otherwise. Why parents insist on inflicting the angry alien pics on others (especially a bunch of single girls who don’t want kids) I will never understand. Give us AND your kid a break. Back to my point… this child was literally JUST born when this picture was snapped… laying there all red and angry and naked on the scale. *shudders*

That’s not even the worst part. When I opened the pic, my eyes were immediately drawn to only one thing… his huge, red, swollen, protruding balls. That’s all I could see. There could have been an orgy going on in the background, and I wouldn’t have noticed. I could only see “it”. I immediately closed the picture out of shock, and the first message in response to the picture was already waiting in my inbox. It wasn’t an “awwww cute baby” as you would expect. It simply read, “whoa… sac alert.” ROFL (I love my friends.) That’s exactly what I was thinking, too. That kid’s gonna have a cowboy swagger!

Do you know who the real crooks are in our declining economy? The flower delivery peeps, that’s who!

So let’s get this straight… I can go to the grocery store and buy a beautiful bouquet for under $10… buy a vase for $5… and take it over to the recipient for a few cents in gas. OR I can order flowers through a flower service… pay $40-50 for the same bouquet and vase… add $5 tax… add $5 “handling” fee… add $15 delivery… add another $5 to guarantee that it gets there the day you asked for… and you’re paying $70-80 for $3 worth of flowers. I mean REALLY! No REALLLLLLYYYYYYY… it’s robbery.

And I’m not buying the whole “you’re paying for the convenience” argument. Nobody else charges you for handling equal to the value of the item itself… not even Pottery Barn! (I <3 you, Pottery Barn… ignore my harsh words.) They’ve already inflated the cost of the flowers for the arrangement and grossly adjusted the price to account for the time it takes to throw 12 stems in a vase. I expect to pay tax and a SMALL delivery fee… that’s it… just like pizza… $4 for your trouble.

Would you order pizza if the pizza cost $20 and they wanted another $20 to bring it to you? I think not. The flower peeps are taking advantage of the fact that flowers are gifts for others… and while you’d never waste that kind of money on yourself… you are incredibly cheap and tacky if you won’t do it for your loved ones. And we are the suckers who believe it…

This weekend I finally tackled the horrifying project of cleaning out my bathroom cabinets.  I haven’t done it since I moved in 5 years ago.  LOL  Yeah, that’s bad.  I was expecting to find a lot of expired makeup, lotions, and nail polish.  But I was not prepared for what I discovered deep in the depths under my sink.

Mold?  Blonde hair dye?  A hair ball with a life of its own?  Naked photos stashed away?  All horrifying things… but nothing compared to this…

OMG RUNNNNN!  That’s right… I found a basket full of scrunchies (and various other strange hair doodads)!  Scrunchies!  I mean they were never fashionable, even though they were popular back in the late 80’s/early 90’s.  I can’t believe I ever acquired enough to fill a basket.  I can’t believe I still have them in my possession even if I did end up with them at some point.  No wait… even worse… I can’t believe I paid movers to move a basket of scrunchies to my new house 5 years ago.  I mean wtf was I thinking?  “Hmmmm… these might be worth something one day… I better bring them with me.”  “These would be great to hold my socks up.”  “Who needs chip clips?”  Seriously… what went through my mind?

Fortunately, I am much wiser now and they went straight into the trash without hesitation.  But the spare room closet is next on my organization list… now I’m scared of what might be in there… hold me?

I voted for Obama.  I have hope that he can make some positive changes.  I was happy to see him sworn in today and thought his speech was pretty good.  But I’m a little worried about the Obama-mania.

People seem to worship him, or the idea of him, to the point of utter blindness.  This cannot be good.  YES, we should support him as president.  YES, we are hopeful.  But let’s keep our eyes open.  I think he’s a good man and that he will do his best.  However, I truly believe that there was a greater force behind his successful election to the White House… greater than hopeful voters.  We’re being puppeted… and his popularity will be misused by others.

So, support your president… it’s your civic duty, even if you didn’t vote for him… but don’t be blind to the puppet masters.

I was reviewing last year’s resolutions the other day… and several hours later I was able to stop laughing and pull myself together to set some new ones for 2009. But I think I’ll try a different approach this year. There is always room for improvement, but I don’t like feeling that I’m such a mess that I need an endless list of character flaws to work on. Then I become too overwhelmed with it all and give up. So this year I am setting realistic resolutions… things that I can’t possibly fail. I’m hoping the sense of accomplishment will boost my motivation to achieve above and beyond… yet I’ll never feel like a failure. It’s genius, really.

Resolutions for 2009:
1. I will not lose one single pound. 2009 is all about the flab. The only forms of exercise I plan to partake in are 12 ounce curls (lifting a beer bottle to my lips), 24 ounce curls (one beer in each hand), and thumb yoga (through texting and operating the remote control).

2. Go to work most days. I don’t have to go with a smile on my face… I don’t have to go to change the world… I will just go.

3. Spend way too much money. Someone’s got to do something about this economy… I volunteer to keep the cash flowing.

4. Let annoying people know just how annoying they are. My methods will include eye rolling, impatient sighs, and passive aggressive comments… and the occasional, “Seriously, dude?” under my breath.

5. Worry about everything. I got some worry dolls in my stocking for Christmas. What a great idea… I tell the dolls what I’m worried about and stuff them under my pillow… then we can talk about it all night until I’ve worked myself into a complete fit by morning. That’s how it works, right?

Now THOSE are some serious resolutions I can get behind! And if I happen to fail at a few, that’s a good thing, too. It’s a win-win…

Disclaimer: OK… pardon my constant food postings this week. I’m home for the holidays… there’s really nothing to do but eat… and Mom has filled the house with tempting treats as usual… you know how that goes. Besides… once I get home it’s back to my usual bare pantry… may as well bulk up now. *Winks*

We had a turkey dinner yesterday for Dad’s birthday… which always means leftovers. I actually love turkey leftovers because it allows me to make my favorite (and the most unhealthy) sandwich ever. I call it… the bread sandwich. Basically, it’s a whole lot of carbs with a little turkey thrown in as garnish… two slices of soft bread, a layer of dressing/stuffing (about a half inch), and a layer of turkey (about a quarter inch). It is SO good. My mom and sis add some cranberry sauce for more flavor. My dad and other sister heat it up with gravy. I prefer mine simple and cold and delicious…

Every year my dad picks out his own birthday cake. They’re always really… ummmm… bad. Aside from Dad’s birthday cake every year, I’ve never really met a cake I didn’t like… I’m an equal opportunity caker… even when everyone hates a cake, I manage to enjoy it anyway. So this tells you just how bad dad’s cakes are.

They sometimes come from the grocery store or a wholesale club… last year was even a really expensive super-fancy bakery cake. All awful. I’m not sure how he does it, but if there’s a bad cake in New England… he will track it down.

Today, a few hours before his birthday dinner, he ran out to Walmart (of all places) and grabbed a “variety pack” of cake. A fourth each of german chocolate, double chocolate, carrot, and red velvet cakes. This is ALWAYS a bad sign… he loves the variety pack desserts… and the variety packs are usually the worst.

Tonight… in a very bold move… I opted for half a slice of carrot and half a slice of red velvet. I was prepared for the worst. I took a big gulp of water and then dove in. OMG they were SO good!

As we discussed how good everyone’s choices were and debated why it was called red velvet cake (Dad is color blind, so this was a tough argument to win), I declared red velvet the winner for tonight. Then I announced to my family that tomorrow I would sample both of the chocolate cakes… and the next day I would then have a face-off between the winners from tonight and tomorrow night to determine the ultimate cake winner. Of course they chuckled and rolled their eyes at me (I get this reaction from them to most anything I say).

But to me… this is way more exciting than the Olympics…

Well, my blogaversary was Wednesday… the only reason I remember this is because MY DOMAIN EXPIRED. Here I was naively signing in to post something… completely oblivious to the drama that was about to unfold… and snarkykitten was GONE! *Gasps* I actually panicked. Not only had the domain expired… but I couldn’t remember the login for it or the email associated with it. LOL It never occurs to me to write these things down. And it’s not like I have one of those amazing photographic memories. I forget stuff… a lot. But say I had written it down… the paper would be lost right now anyway… so save the lectures, people! This is why I need a personal assistant… to keep track of life’s daily annoyances for me.

AND… all I really came to say was… SNOWWWWWW DAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! Woohoooooooo! Now I can catch up on things that a personal assistant would normally do for me

(I apologize if you were also greeted with a cat food ad instead of my wonderful musings over the last couple of days. *Winks* Special thanks to Shep and Kseniya for helping me get my domain back!)